Shinsengumi (Hakuouki) - The Men of Yoshiwara parody
by DragonLady90
Summary: The title says it all I think. It's a parody of Shinsengumi in the role of courtesans. Plus Kazama. Made it for a friend to make her laugh, hopefully, it makes you laugh too.


**My friend and I love to play otome games. Recently we've been playing Hakuouki (Kyoto winds and Edo blossoms) and it's kinda our favorite. So, we've been discussing it along with some other otome games we played** , **and started joking around about how would guys from Hakuouki behave if they were, courtesans. We agreed that they would never succumb to it, no matter what, cause they are men of honor, (and would go bankrupt) that's why this isn't taken seriously and was made into a parody. I wrote it for her, and she kinda convinced me to share it with you guys.**

 **Hopefully, it will make you laugh.**

* * *

 _What would they say if you choose them?_

 _(Usually, everyone sits together in the salon, sometimes not all of them; Kondo is the owner, Sanan is the manager, btw)_

 _Hijikata_

 **Hijikata:** I don't think you're ready for me kid, ( _Okita in the background: Nobody's ever ready for you Hijikata-san_ ), but since you're determined, ( _Okita whispers loudly: run kid, it's your last chance_ ) I acknowledge your resolve.

(A vein on Hijikata's temple is pulsating, but he tries to ignore Okita's taunting) Come, I give you the invitation for love and sweetest surrender-

 **Okita:** Hijikata-san don't be so corny, with your shitty love-Haiku; the kid won't understand any of it.

 **Hijikata:** (snaps) SHUT THE HELL UP, IDIOT. THIS IS MY CLIENT SO STAY-

 **Okita** : (to others) Yeah, he scored the first client in months, the girl is weird and I tell you-

 **Hijikata:** (bailing his fists) STOP INTERRUPTING ME YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'LL STRANGLE-

 **Okita:** What are you doing, Hijikata-san? Your face is scaring her, maybe you should leave strangling for the bedroom.

 **Hijikata:** THAT'S IT! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD. (Leaves his first client in months, to chase Okita)

* * *

 _Okita_

 **Okita:** Would you like to play with me? Let me give you a hint: it's not hide and seek, it's the game for a-d-u-l-t-s. Are you up for it? (Gives you a playful wink)

 **Heisuke:** But Souji, you say that every time and you end up leaving customers blindfolded or tied up and you just sneak out of the room to eat-

 **Okita:** (grabbing a dagger from his sleeve), Heisuke-chan, want me to play a game with you too? (Smiles maliciously)

 **Heisuke:** (gulps) F-Forget that I said anything, excuse me. (Dashes out of the room)

 **Okita:** Now forget about him, he's just an apprentice, let us continue.

* * *

 _Saito_

 **Saito:** (Is silent for 15 minutes, face flat, lips pursed)

.

.

.

 **Saito:** You choose...M-Me.

(pause)

 **Saito:** C-Come, I-I give you the... (whispers) invitation for love... (mumbles with barely audible voice)... and sweetest surrender...

 **Okita:** Hajime-kun, are you trying to quote that dull and shitty Hijikata-san's Haiku?

(Hajime turns his head away, falling silent again)

 **Okita:** Come on, you can do it better. Nobody wants to copy the demonic harlot of Shinsengumi-

(Angry footsteps in the corridor, moment after, Hijikata storms into the room with a broom, visibly furious)

 **Hijikata:** What the hell did you say about me?

 **Okita:** Oh, you think I was talking about you... Interesting. (Okita grins, trying not to laugh)

(Saito mumbling something, while Hijikata chases Okita with a broom)

 **Okita:** Hajime-kun! (doges another angry attack from Hijikata) Just say to her what you would say 'bout katana!

(Runs out of a salon, Hijikata following him with a huge list of profanity words.)

 **Saito:** Katana...? I see, that makes sense. After all, I would always pick a katana over a woman... Ah! Um- not that I think you're not worthy...

(Blushes slightly, and is silent for another 15 minutes)

(Then exhales, closing his eyes)

The contour of your body is what draws many men in,

Hard and brittle yet soft, combined in a harmony;

Your core is a symbol of dreams throughout the time,

You cannot break, but can only sharply cut your way

Into my body and my heart,

I humbly beg you to let me hold your immortal beauty,

In my unworthy arms...

 **Okita:** (peeking through the door) That's it that's the stuff, just don't-

 **Saito:** ...for you are not just a weapon but also a work of art.

 **Okita:** He screwed it. But she's too dense to notice he was reciting a love poem to katana (chuckles)

* * *

 _Heisuke_

 **Heisuke:** Um... I don't have the experience like other guys-

 **Shinpachi:** Heisuke c'mon, man up! (Shinpachi hits him on the back, causing him to nearly fall over)

 **Heisuke:** (frowning in pain and anger) Hey, old guy! Shut up!

 **Shinpachi:** Old? You're just a pipsqueak~ (Rests his hand on Heisuke's head) Sure you won't change your mind and pick someone more manly than this brat? Look at these! (opens up his kimono with his other hand, to show you muscular chest)

 **Harada:** Shinpachi, stop taking off your clothes in front of the customers, you're scaring them. Besides, this is Heisuke's client, let him show his potential. (grabs your hand kissing it, with seductive eyes)

 **Heisuke:** (wards off Shinpachi's hand) That's right you should- HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU TRYING TO SEDUCE HER? YOU'RE SO SLIMY, OLD MAN!

 **Harada:** Slimy? (lifts his brow) All is permitted in love and war, if she's going to let herself be seduced by me, then you failed as a man. That also is a valuable lesson. (smiles softly)

 **Shinpachi:** Oy, c'mon you two, you don't know what she wants... And she clearly needs to see more! (Pulls his hands from kimono, showing his bare torso) Heh? Like what you see?

(Heisuke and Harada facepalm)

 **Heisuke:** I can't stand this anymore! (he snaps, pushing them out of the room) Just get the hell out of this room, assholes! She chose me, so you need to butt off!

 **Harada:** Fine, fine... Let him become a man, Shinpachi. Let's drink.

 **Shinpachi:** That's the smartest thing you said today! (pats Harada on the back) Heisuke, you have to tell us details later.

 **Heisuke:** Sure...LIKE HELL I WILL, BASTARD! (returns to his seat) Um, sorry 'bout that. I... ( grips his fists, looking at the tatami mat)

I just want to say... Even though I'm nervous, there's nothing more I would like than to hold you. I have no special skills, but I'm eager to prove myself... (looks you directly into the eyes) So if you would have me... I don't mind showing you how much, as many times as I need.

 **Okita:** (spying) My, my... Heisuke-kin is growing.

 **Saito:** I hope he doesn't mistreat his customers as he mistreats his katana. He needs to be punished. (dead serious, has a grudge against him)

 **Okita:** Something tells me he will. (grins)

* * *

 _Shinpachi_

 **Shinpachi:** Yosh! You made the right choice!

 **Harada:** Oy, can you be more quiet, my eardrums hurt whenever you talk.

 **Shinpachi:** (pretends not to hear him, talking louder) SO! What are we waiting for?! Let's get hot and sweaty!

 **Harada:** You won't do what I think you will, right?

 **Heisuke:** That's just what he'll do. He's a simpleton. Shinpatsu, you can't yell on customers and make them work out, that's not what they came for. (shakes his head)

 **Shinpachi:** Shut up, you brat! Who doesn't want to work out with me?! I just show them the goods they'll be getting if they work hard!

 **Harada:** But _You_ are the goods they pay for, seriously man. (sighs)

 **Okita:** If you continue to behave like this, you'll be even worse than Hijikata-san, and trust me you don't wanna get that low.

 **Shinpachi:** ... uh... (looks down)

 **Hijikata:** For the last time, stop talking about me, I have a list of customers, moron!

 **Okita:** Oh? I didn't know male customers were also allowed... I'll talk to Kondo-san and Sanan-san, now way that I also have to deal with men-

(Hijikata stands up, trying to grab him)

 **Okita:** (dodges) Too slow Hijikata-san! Maybe you should get hot and sweaty with Shinpachi, you're getting fat~

(cry of anger from Hijikata, things breaking while both of them exit the room, Okita's roaring laughter in the distance)

 **Harada:** Well, let's go, (turns to you) If you change your mind, my room is down the hall to the right. (winks)

 **Heisuke:** Shinpatsu, you're talking about being the real man all the time, but you're dense as a log, aren't you?

 **Shinpachi:** (grabs Heisuke by the collar of his kimono) Shut up, you runt! Don't make me beat the shit outta ya!

 **Heisuke:** Lemme go, fine! (turns to you and waves) Good luck Miss. You can leave at any moment, (whispers)

(Shimpachi pushes him out the door closing them)

(walks towards you, and sits down) Well... It's true that I don't have luck with women, and that they usually end up with Sano but... (Scratches the back of his head) I w-won't...make you work out... Well, not the work out routines, but you might end up a little sore... Uh... (blushes) I was saying-

 **Okita:** (voice behind the door) Why don't you just hit her on the head with the club and drag her to the bed?

 **Shinpachi:** (grits his teeth, stands up, punching the hole through the door) SHUT THE HELL UP ASSHOLE!

(sits again, exhaling) So are we...Um ... gonna get sweaty and hot? (gives you a huge smile)

(Harada and Heisuke looking through the hole in the door)

 **Heisuke:** He's a moron.

 **Harada:** Yup, he sure is.

* * *

 _Harada_

 **Harada:** Miss, I'm honored you picked me to be your companion for this lovely night. (Stares deeply into your eyes)

 **Okita:** (whispers to Heisuke) Watch the pro, kid.

 **Harada:** (pays no attention to anyone but you) My wounds started to open last night, as I was thinking about my life and this profession, drinking to forget that I have a different companion every night. Sometimes I have nightmares of waking up with the different face every morning, thinking about how I will do this 'till the day I die.

(Sad smile sneaks on his lips.)

But tonight, I saw your face, and thought how lucky I am. Just maybe, it wouldn't be so bad to wake up beside you.

(he moves closer to you, taking your hand in his)

Don't worry, we don't have to get right to it...If you want to just talk, about love and the truth, about the meaning of life... I would listen to you all night, And though next night I may be with some other, you will always be on my mind. (brings your hand to his mouth, gently brushing your fingers with his lips ) So, would you help me heal my wounds? Just a little bit. (smiles)

 **Okita:** Now that's how you do it. Hijikata-san, take notes.

 **Sanan:** (nods) He's our number one, after all. It would be useful to keep the business going.

 **Hijikata:** (frustrated) Just leave me the hell alone!

* * *

 _Sanan_

 **Sanan:** My, my, you have chosen me? How bold. I usually don't tend to customers, but I'll make an exception in your case. Why, you ask?

 **Okita:** (interrupts) Cause she's easy money and you don't have to try hard?

 **Sanan:** (stills smiles, but glares at Okita) Don't be so rude, towards our paying customer. (turns to you) I apologize for his rudeness. (makes a small head bow)

(He approaches closer, focusing on you) We sell temporary love here... We sell madness... Pleasure... Shoulder to cry on... So come, (he extends his hand towards you) Take what you need. (he smirks, licking his lips)

Now would you all be so kind to leave this room, I need to tend to the lady.

 **Heisuke:** But this is not your room-

 **Sanan:** (not breaking the eye-contact with you) Heisuke-kun, what did I say?

 **Heisuke:** (rushing towards others who were leaving) Yes, Sanan-san!

* * *

 _Bonus: Kazama_

 **Kazama:** I said it then and I say it now, the only reason I'm here because I'm bored. And I don't accept clients AT ALL. So go ahead, and pick somebody from this sad and lowly bunch, who is a pathetic excuse for men.

 **Hijikata:** WELL EXCUSE ME? The hell you think you are? You are here with us! (stands up, glaring at Kazama)

 **Kazama:** (doesn't spare him a glance) I'm only here because he begged me to raise your pathetic excuse of a business. (points towards Kondou) And I am a generous man.

 **Hijikata:** As if! (Turns to Sanan) Sanan-san, why is this pompous, egomaniac here?

 **Sanan:** Hijikata-

 **Okita:** Because he still has more clients than you, and he refuses everyone, not to mention insults them and -

 **Hijikata:** (through his gritted teeth) Nobody asked you.

 **Okita:** (continues) I don't know, maybe women are suckers for abuse or something. The guy is a sadist. I tried to be that type but it's kinda a pain in the butt.

 **Heisuke:** You are that type, Souji.

 **Okita:** (his eyes gleam wickedly) Heisuke-chan, you didn't learn your lesson, didn't you?

 **Heisuke:** N-Nothing. (mumbles) Man, it's hard to be an apprentice.

 **Kondo:** Settle down, guys. Kazama-kun, the lady asked for you exclusively, and this is her hundredth time asking for you. She waited patiently so do you think you can reward her persistence?

 **Kazama:** Hmpf.

 **Okita:** (turns to you) Wow, you asked for him, hundred times? No self-respect, huh?

 **Kondou:** Souji! Don't insult the lady, her self-respect is not any of our business!

 **Okita:** (smiles) Kondo-san, you slam dunked her just now.

 **Kazama:** Fine, I don't have anything better to do tonight. (Turns to you with a piercing stare) Entertain me. I hope you're not boring as you look.

 **Hijikata:** That's not how it works you moron! You are the one who has to-

 **Sanan:** There, there, Hijikata-kun, calm down, let's leave them. (He gently pushes Hijikata out of the room; everyone stands up, walking away)

 _Okita's voice in the distance: Man she pays to be stepped over, what a weird woman._

 _Kondou: Souji!_

 _Okita: Fine, fine, I'll keep my mouth shut, Kondo-san._

 **Kazama:** (doesn't move from his seat, and is resting his head on his hand) What's with that blank stare? You got what you wanted, don't tell me you're just going to stare at me the whole night? (Sighs)

Tsk. You really have no clue how to entertain a man, don't you?

(Smirks) Guess I could show you the things I like, so you remember it the next time I grace you with my presence. Now be a good student, won't you?

(Hijikata eavesdropping) The bastard is a smooth operator. I won't lose to him, (Hijikata mutters, smirking)

 **Okita:** Hey guys, Hijikata san is jealous of the new guy! So pathetic!

 **Hijikata:** Soujiiiiiiiii!

 _Souji's laughter echoes through the corridor, followed by the angry footsteps of Hijikata._


End file.
